Covid Quarantine - Week 8: A Letter To My Patients
Hey all,
Well, isn't today a complicated day?... Mother's Day. Harumph. And it's not, you'll be glad to know, for Freudian reasons :), at least not essentially. Rather, I think it's because our mothers are with whom we have our very first relational experience in this world. I mean, think about it: our mother’s body is our first home--certainly in the womb, but even more so in how she welcomes us into her home. And I don’t just mean physically, I mean psychically as well.
What kind of welcome was it exactly? Her body is the source of our life, and she sustains it utterly and absolutely at first. We have no say what-so-ever in this initial meeting. (It's so un-American.)
"Well, ain't that special?" (yes, Church Lady-- SNL)-- and slightly precarious, no? Yes, it is. Depending on the mother the Cosmic Lottery gave us, our source and first home can be anywhere from "good enough" to anxiety provoking to terrifying.
Some of you have/had terrifying mothers. Your first home was terrifying indeed. Today, I know, is not a fun day for you. Please offer yourself a gentle and kind home today. We do have a say now in how we meet ourselves.
Thankfully, the psychoanalyst and pediatrician D.W. Winnicott reports from his clinical experience that most mothers are good enough. And I can say with confidence, those of you who are mothers-- from what you have told me-- you are indeed good enough. Parenting 101: By allowing our child/children to meet our minds, without making them suffer retaliatory gestures, without sadistically playing with their minds (saying something is when it is not, or saying something is not when it is), and without failing to repair when we make mistakes (which happens a lot, right?), we will facilitate the healthy development of their personhoods.
As long as you include laughter and silliness, the rest is just details.
But what about our relationship with our own mothers? Well, today and possibly this week, we can become aware of some of the aspects of our mothers which have affected us— good, bad and ugly. Whatever is coming up today in your consciousness— well, that’s the thing to notice, and possibly process (or you can wait til we talk this week if you prefer). You could also choose one good thing, one bad thing, and one ugly thing to reflect about your mother. Bring these to mind.
For me, one good thing about my mom is that she is charmfully playful. Now, she may relate to 3-4 year olds better than to, say, her 13-year old daughter back in the day (eh-hem), but she was and is always up for an after dinner card game or board game, or the telling of a funny story. She is warm and simply fun to be around. One bad thing: well, it’s probably related. She has had a really hard time seeing me as a grown woman. I suppose if she is unfamiliar with those grown-up parts of herself, she would have a hard time seeing these aspects in me. But still a loss. And finally, one ugly thing: though resilient in her own way (she went to 14 different schools growing up), she tends to not engage with her own dark side. This seems to be minimized and everything gets transformed into having a magical meaning. This can be soothing sometimes, but at other times, it is not congruent with reality. My depression early on in my development was partly due to not knowing how to engage with my darkness… probably why I am a therapist!? Bring on the reality of both dark and light in us, and let’s build a realistic relationship with these! Frederick Buechner writes, “Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid.” Yes.
As I reflect on these aspects on this day, I feel a mixture of gratitude, delight, sadness, and loneliness. I do love being around my mother, especially as she charms her way into people’s hearts with stories and a child-like wit. We laugh a lot together. But there's loss and grief too. I wish she had room to see more of what I bring to the table: I wish she could recognize me more than she can. Of course, “mother” is an expansive category: so today, I also find myself grateful for all the women in my life—friends, mentors, and teachers—all of whom have been able to offer me the things that she couldn’t.
Which I suppose is how it always is: no one person can in fact do it all. It does take a village, it turns out…
What about you? Any good, bad and/or ugly emergent today about your mother, and/or mother figures? It’s complicated isn’t?
To end, this might shock you, but I am grateful to your mothers for at least one thing: for bringing you all into this world. You would not be here without them. And as messy as all this is, I am certain that you are all meant to be here for such a time as this: talk about good, bad, and ugly times we are now all experiencing. Oy.
And complicated.
I look forward to processing some of these things with you this week, if you want.
Deborah